the thought that is a dime.

Man.

My mind lately has been wondering like its nothing. I just can't seem to grasp a single thought...and if i do...its replaced with another one just like that.

But for the most part most of these thoughts do repeat.

For instance; my awkward relationship with her. That seems to keep running in and out of my mind a lot lately.

I've never been in such a....how do you say this...not bizarre but...not normal...friendship with someone ever in my life. Sometimes its straining on me because temptation is telling me to go beyond the platonic friendship that I want. Other times, it's just fucking retarded, we bicker and fuss one second; then laugh and joke the next. And it always comes back to what I wrote in the thought prior to this one. Its that dreaded four letter word that I refuse to say...unless it has some kind of meaning to it.

Speaking of which,

In the most manly way possible, I'm going to say this.

This guy that I consider my brother...Ralph...I Love this guy to death...but he needs to man up to his woman. I feel so bad when I have to "tell him" how to handle her. Its like he gets no respect from her. I feel bad for him. Don't get me wrong. They Love each other. I consider her my sister-in-law. But its just that...I can't explain it so here's an example...

Ralph will ask her for something...it could be something as simple as passing a pen that's on the desk that she is sitting at. She will argue with him over the fact that he couldn't get it himself - no matter how busy he is. And the worst part of it is - when I ask for the same thing - she get it for me. And that's upsetting to me. It's come to the point where if she is getting Ralph really angry and upset, he'll tell me to talk to her and straighten her out. WTF brah?!?! Haha. Ok I needed a moment. As his brother - I'll talk to her, but it's not my place to straighten her out. It just isn't.

I'm tired so I'm going to write again sometime soon.

And if you want to look something up after you read this....whoever you are...why you would want to read this is beyond me but I digress. If you want to really want to see what this world is going to come to - search Emcee Arson or Illuminati on youtube. This shit is deep.

The La is Out.

3 semester+ 3 different people + living on the 3rd floor = new 9th thought.

2:38 in the morning and i have a lot of nothing on my mind.

Not really that's a lie if i ever told one...i always have something on my mind....its a constant thing.

Just to get it off my chest...the cardinals should have won the super bowl. okay now that I'm done with that, lets move on.

Umm.

Love to me is something that's very valuable in my life. That's what has been on my mind for the most part ever since I've came back to Brooklyn. The simple fact that LOVE is really important to me. And I don't mean the "love" that you can say with anything. I despise when people throw this word around. I feel that it's very dismissive and that it tarnishes the meaning to the core. I mean the word is powerful and should not be abused.

I can't live life without LOVE. I need the LOVE of my parents. Absolutely need it. And to lose one of those people, it's like losing one of your pillars you need to stand strong. Thinking way back then - over 7 or 8 years ago - when my father was around, I didn't realize he could possibly pass away...cause in my eyes he was Superman.

And then he's gone.


.....time passes....


Then comes a time when I feel like I'm left with a void that needs to be filled...a hole where my Father used to be. I start to see this a more and more, little by little - as I learn to cope.

More sooner than later, a person comes along and changes my life. Figuratively. She was - at the time - someone who I can truly say that I LOVED...she was someone who temporarily filled that void...and not fully filled it at that. But she made me forget that I was at a loss, because we had LOVE for each other. She made me forget for about 4 years. But as they say, "all that is golden, doesn't shine forever".

She leaves. And this void that I forgot about is back onto me with extra. She takes my trust.

So now - I come to Brooklyn. A place that I felt compelled to come to. A place to find myself.

A place to maybe heal.

I come to Brooklyn and I'm amazed by all the different people. I cross the bridge and I'm caught up in all the flashing lights of Manhattan. I'm intrigued by the different lifestyles that all converge at this mecca. I'm more lost than ever. And I still can't seem to heal.

Then I stumble upon her.

Someone who doesn't make me forget. But doesn't make it hurt either. She knows and acts more than what her age allows, but she still is vibrant and youthful. And to think that she could possibly fill the void that I have been trying to heal for almost a decade...scares me.

It's terrifying.

I'm used to this void now. I still can't deal with it but I am used to it now. And for this girl to come into my life, get to know me and know how to comfort me in less than 6 months is scary. It is horrifying because I don't know why.

Why?

Why is she the only person that I know that can make me feel this way?

And why does she know that she can make me feel this way?

I also feel like she is important to me. I don't really want her to be though. I don't want to care about her really. I don't want to be hurt again. She tells me she "loves" me. She tells me she wants me to say that I "love" her. I don't. Because I am afraid that I LOVE her.


(this has to be the realist thought i ever wrote.)

ok so i dont have a clever math equation to say that this thought makes 8

its 7:32 in the morning...i actually went to bed at a normal time last night like a normal human being would, so i'm proud of myself.

looking back on the break so far....i have accomplished nothing that i wanted to do. i didn't get a job. i didn't get clothes. i didn't save up for the equipment i need.

so its fair to say that - like every school break - i've been bumming it out.

any money that i have possessed has been spent on drinking at the bars and trying to have a social life. i actually think that i'm really an alcoholic. i mean as far as i see it there's nothing wrong with having a couple drinks here and there. and if you get drunk every blue moon, that's cool too. just as long as its spread out and not a weekly or dare i say - daily - basis. i should have wasted my money on a new tattoo. i need to make a goals list so i can keep track of what i need to do with money.

anyways, on a brighter note,

i feel really comfortable with being on the radio. i definitely think that this is a career that i want to pursue. i love being on-air being me. i love telling stories and hearing them from other people. i love hearing about celebrities and how they got started....and honestly i love talking shit.....its the best trait i have...it runs in the family! hahaha. but in all seriousness, i really do want to spread a message of positivity through this avenue of media. with so much negativity in this world - there needs to be people out there that is positive. i need to master this craft of mine. so i can fulfill this dream of mine.


with that said...time for breakfast.

The La is Hungry...and Outtie.

^_^

new year...new thought that makes it 3 less than 10

the old year has come and gone in a typical way. cold, dry and windy.

the new year brings the cold, dry and windy as well.

i see nothing special with this "new year".

with a new year comes new fears and old tears. and maybe a revelation or 2.

i know this must sound very depressing but i mean its the way of the world.

its really hard to be optimistic about time when all that time brings is negativity.

but isnt there something within time to be optimistic about?

something that makes me forget about the quarrels of the future and makes me enjoy the current?

there has to be. right?




The La...out.